Michael P. Calligaro - Diamond In the roughage

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2024-11-24 0 0 110.91KB 12 页 5.9玖币

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Diamond In The Roughage

by Michael P Calligaro

"So I'm standing at my post, and this really hot babe walks by. She stops and looks back, kinda

checking me out. Then she smiles and winks at me."

The cat was singing, but he was off key. I wasn't buying it for a second. I looked to Sammy's Little

Helper on my shoulder, managed to ignore his silly getup, and rolled my eyes. SLiH waved his "wings"

(really his disguised upper arms) and bounced a bit. He was doing a fine imitation of the disbelief dance

of the Sonarian Toe-Armed Feathered Friend he was supposed to be.

The soldier turned indignant. "Hey, tell your STAFF that I cut a mean figure when I'm in my uniform."

Through considerable effort of will, I forced myself not to chuckle. Never make fun of a soldier. It

doesn't matter if you're packing twice as much heat as he is; unnecessary gunfights suck. On the other

hand, his gun was the only thing worth worrying about. Calling him "unimpressive" did an injustice to tree

moss everywhere. His arms looked like pencils, and not even the big fat ones they gave you in grade

school. These were more like the little No. 2's you had to take tests with and that always broke while

you were trying to completely fill in the ovals. His legs were equally thin, and his neck, well, it looked like

three pencils taped together.

I'd only been cooped up in this backwater universe for a few weeks, but if that was what a Tundrainian

"really hot babe" found attractive, then I'm an overly cynical detective with an aversion to honest people.

Okay, so that shoedoes fit.

Still, the only uniform that could have made this little twerp look good would have been one that warped

space around him and sucked in the photons being bounced off the stud in the underground sex club

downtown. Not that I've been there. Much. See, even the "really hot" Tundrainian females leave

something to be desired.

My voice sounding completely sincere, I said, "I can imagine. What happened then?" Yeah, I'm not

above pandering to a perp's delusions. If I don't get results, I don't get paid. At the end of the day, you

can't buy beer with your moral superiority.

He continued on in his nasal voice. "Well I looked down at my feet for a second. Then I grinned, looked

up, and she's gone! Where she had been standing is this ugly hag. And, since I'd already been grinning,

the hag thinks I'm looking at her! I had to quickly look away before she thought I was hot for her."

His shudder made me think he was about to physically fall apart. I didn't want to be present for that

spectacle, so I hurriedly said, "And then?"

"Well, I heard something bounding toward me. Thinking it's the old lady, I kind of sneak a glance up at

her. But it's not her. It's this rock monster! I grab my gun, but the monster's too close and smashes me.

Next thing I know I'm being shaken by Sergeant Kalson."

"So, you got clobbered by a babe who turned into a hag who turned into a monster?"

The soldier looked confused. "Well, no. They were three different people."

"You saw them all at the same time?"

"No."

"And you only looked away for a second each time?"

He nodded.

"But you think they were each different beings? What, did someone forget to tell me that you

Tundrainians know how to teleport?"

"What's that mean?"

So he was as intelligent as he was physically impressive. I sighed and spoke slowly. "Kid, you were

attacked by a polymorph."

"A what?"

"A being that can change its shape."

His face split into a wide grin, and he laughed. "Naw, that's impossible! You're funny."

I nodded. "Thank you for your time. That's all I need to know."

Still chuckling at my "joke," he walked down the dirt path we were standing on and disappeared into the

jungle.<span

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"What do you think, SLiH?"

My little robot bounced a bit on my shoulder and said, "Cookoo." When I got here, I gave him back

some speech synthesis so that I wouldn't have to explain to everyone why my "bird" was mute. His

disguise just wouldn't hold up to heat from some pencil neck's peepers. And, if you think the

Tundrainians react badly to the concept of a polymorph, you should see what the luddites do when they

see a robot. My first two days there werenot pleasant. Not that the following thirteen had been much

better.

Unfortunately, I hadn't come up with any brilliant plans for finding the exit. Therein lies the danger of

hopping universes every time you find a truly honest person. The universe you're leaving might be an

affront to all you hold decent, but you never know what you're going to get on the other side.

"Okay, bird brain, start scanning for polymorphs. They'll most likely have a different density than the

things they're imitating."

SLiH flapped his wings wildly, smacking me in the face as he jumped up and down on my shoulder.

"What?"

He crossed his wings in front of him and gave me what was probably a perturbed look. It was hard to tell

behind the fake beak I'd glued to his face.

"Oh, you didn't like me calling you 'bird brain.' Sorry little guy, I'm taking out my frustration with these

Tundrainians on you again. You're much more intelligent than a STAFF bird." There was no doubt about

that. Show me a STAFF that can out-cheat me at poker. They're good, but I'm devious. "Okay, let's see

if this kid's sergeant is any more intelligent than he is."

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Michael P. Calligaro - Diamond In the roughage

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